Friday, June 03, 2005
it was raining yesterday. the sun was scorching but it was pouring. the rain and shine was divided by an aerial horizon, and thunder rang through and through. it was like God had put on the wrong soundtrack when i was walking through the hallways of my school. and it was utterly downcast and depressing, naturally. perhaps it was an omen. but there was never gonna be a sign impactful enough for me to prepare for what the rest of the day unfurrled. it was going to be my longest day of the year yet.

in my most honest opinion, i dont recall being the kind of son mother's loved. loved to hate maybe. i always got into trouble or didnt keep my word or lied or simply let someone down in truth. but though it occured with such alarming regularity, i always knew what it felt to be genuinely sorry and guilty. that feeling of sadness is horrendous. but never in my wildest imagination, have i ever fathomed that i could feel more distressed being the one who was offended. that means somebody else did me wrong. and i feel more fucking sad then when Joy Division sang Love Will Tear Us Apart. or any Lindsay Lohan song really haha. erhem.

they say the higher you climb, the harder you fall. i'm all for it. i'm a renowned liar, flirt, cheat, etc. but do you believe that i would change? i thought you did. so i did. i didnt lie to you at all. hell. i tried not to lie to anyone at all. even though it became such a bad habit of mine, i could suppress it. so what is this now? do i really deserve it? why fucking now? its only been 40+ days. hell its not even been 2 months. SO FAST AND YOU PULL SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! how the hell do you expect me to think. all the talk about the future, about the beautiful life. we must all be responsible for our actions. but this is pure genius. if only a sorry can put everything back. how nice that would be. i dont want to condemn you. not at all. but if i really mattered to you as much as you said i did, i dont believe you could do something like that. if i even mattered half as much you wouldnt. do you really even think of me. i dont know what to believe.

its something so trivial. so tiny. but it was a promise. for me, one of the fucking biggest promises i made in my life. it is the biggest. and i was really going to keep it. dont tell me you didnt think i would keep it. and i do believe a promise made, no matter how small, is a promise kept. why the hell would scholars create a hollow word? its so important to me this promise. it's what drives me. its what i would think about before i sleep at night. i would think i can do it. i would do if for you. just for you. and i smile.

i really love you a lot my dear. I PROMISE I DO. and i still do. give me some time. i wont ever give up on you. unless you give up on me. it wont take long, maybe a day or two. it worries me sick still. whether you're ok and fine and all. it means so much to me. but words cannot express my despondency. as i remain crestfallen, reflecting on the longest day yet, the rain in my heart is still relentless.


sammy says. at 3:10 AM